How to get famous in 5 minutes (Tips by a mean PTI TROLL)

 The easiest way to get famous these days is to write an anti Imran Khan or an anti PTI blog. What I have noticed in my short twitter life is that most anti PTI tweets come from people who have lesser followers than the number of eggs I keep in my fridge (No offence). Another remarkable fact about these people is that they tag a famous so-called liberal, blogger or a journalist in their tweets asking them questions ranging from “Where is Imran Khan these days?” to “IK has no vision, don’t you agree?”, to “@xyz: What are your comments on abc article about SMQ or Kasuri?”.


Seriously, people: I can give you better ideas to get famous. For starters: You can go nude with an ISI tattoo. OR if you want to do serious work, make a documentary on some real issue and get an Oscar !!! Chances are, you will gain more “respectful” attention this way. And please stop tagging the liberals in each and every tweet. The reason is very simple: THEY ARE NOT LIBERALS ! Rather they are “liberal-extremists”. They don’t give a damn about you; All they care about is how negatively you tweet about Imran Khan or PTI. And see, because I studied science in school, I can even make an equation out of this situation:

“ANTI PTI TWEETS/COMMENTS is directly proportional to ATTENTION FROM PSEUDO LIBERALS”
Of course we can add all sorts of variables and parameters in this equation (for example your display picture or how ruthless you are in criticism, or even gender) but for the time being, this will do.

=> ANTI PTI ∞ ATTENTION
=> ANTI PTI = DISPLAY PICTURE * ATTENTION

Right?
Coming back to the eggs in my fridge……….

No, that’s too personal……Let’s go to “how to get famous part”: I read a hilarious blogpost by majorly profound (no idea what his real name is) giving a template of “how to write a thought provoking article” and it inspired me to make my own template on “How to get famous or how to write an ANTI PTI blog”. Since I have proved beyond any reasonable doubt that these two things are directly proportional to each other (see above), I consider myself qualified enough to make this template. So, let’s go step by step:  

1. Identify a topic: You MUST select a topic on which you want to bash Imran Khan or target PTI. Even if you don’t find a good topic, it doesn’t really matter as long as you keep on bashing throughout your article. But let me give you a few choices to help you.

  • Education
  • Terrorism
  • Corruption
  • Energy crisis or any other crisis Pakistan is having

You can pick any one topic out of the above. It’s not important what you select as long as you relate it to PTI somehow.  
2. Make the topic/problem sound like it is PTI’s doing or fault. It does not really matter, and I repeat, IT DOES NOT MATTER if PTI has never been in power. The liberals who will be reading your blog will most probably be watching Golden Globes simultaneously. Also, use following sentences to prove your point.

  • Imran Khan does not have a vision. He rants and talks about ending _______(your topic problem) in 90 days but he does not explain it. (Please ignore the fact that IK does give a guideline about these issues otherwise you wont be able to write your blog)

  • PTI’s policies are half baked theories and _____ (your selected topic) is not included in his manifesto. (Please ignore the nagging conscience which tells you that you have never opened PTI’s manifesto and the fact that PML-N simply copes everything they do. Also ignore that they are still in the process of developing their ideas into detailed road maps)

3. Now is the right time to attack the old faces entering the party.

Pick any old face you last read about in someone’s tweet or blog. ATTACK !!!

He is an old face. How will PTI bring change if it allows such people to become members.
He was a Musharraf supporter. (Read SATAN)
He is a rich person/feudal/industrialist. That fact alone makes him not suitable for PTI.

Please ignore the fact that when PTI did not have electables, you were busying saying "PTI does not have any seasoned politicians". Now when PTI has electables (relatively clean ones, unfortunately God didn’t send angels for Imran Khan despite his frequent requests and prayers), you have objections as to why PTI has old faces. You MUST ignore these thoughts because you have to finish your article and get famous asap.

4. Next step is to pick any other party or entity and show how PTI supports them. You can choose from the following:
  • PTI didn’t criticize MQM in Karachi jalsa
  • PTI prefers negotiating with Talibans
  • PTI condemns drone attacks

Now here comes the real test of your writing abilities. How you manage to manipulate the situation to your advantage depends directly on how weak your memory is.
If you select MQM, then you MUST NEVER mention that you were the one saying Imran Khan is not a politician. He needs to learn to be political. He is too direct and straightforward. Now Khan Sahab has learned some political tactics but you can USE it to your advantage and ask him why he avoided to clash with MQM in his jalsa.

If you select Taliban, DO NOT FORGET to mention his nick name “TALIBAN KHAN”. That is the jewel of this WHOLE article you see. Ignore the fact that the US has been brought down to its knees to negotiate and start the peace process. Ignore that WAR never solves anything.
If you select PTI’s anti drone stance, write a few words about how drones are helping to kill high value targets. Ignore the number of civilian casualties and the fact that a true liberal NEVER SUPPORTS KILLINGS. NEVER.

5. If you still don’t feel like you have bashed enough, you can always refer to Imran Khan as a product of a jewish conspiracy. Go low. SO LOW that you reach the bottom of the earth.
Hope it helps. Try to use difficult english words as that would simply confuse a common person like me and your blog will look more "authentic". And GOOD LUCK with everything. Remember, if a pseudo liberal- extremist starts responding to your tweets, OMG: Mission achieved ! Get yourself a gold medal from a good sports shop. But don’t forget I’ll be there to troll you in the comments section or respond to your tweets which you can later retweet to show HOW FAMOUS you are.

Tsk Tsk,
A mean PTI troll.
and i mean it: A VERY MEAN PTI troll.
(Sana Amir)
_______________________________________________
*The post is written in good humor. Dont take it literally please and kindly dont use this template for writing your blogs. Copyright issues you see. Ill simply sue you.

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